[ Ivan really wouldn't have been able to get anywhere on his own even if the campus had been normal, not with the blindfold on. The door is open, waiting for Souji and already feeling guilty for yet another thing. ]
I... I guess I have another thing to apologize, Mr. Okita.
[ He's not sure if he should invite him into the classroom or make this quick. In the end, making things quick for the other man wins out because Ivan can't imagine he wants much to do with the ninja. Ivan shifts and kneels with his head touching the floor, ]
I am really sorry about my actions last week, and I... I hold no ill will towards you.
[ the dogeza doesn't so much as surprise him as it completely blindsides him. the only other time he's seen it happen and had that much of an impact on him is when kondou-san did it in front of serizawa, many years ago, and it brought on nothing but angered feelings. so to see this guy he barely knows do it, as an apology directed to him, well. ]
... You—
[ not to mention one tiny little detail. ]
You're apologizing like this to the one who killed you. Aren't you going too far?
<3 Whenever towards the end of the week is perfectly fine
[ Ivan sits back up, but his head is still bowed, staring at the floor if he could see. He honestly believes that what he's doing is not enough. He can't talk about what happened between Souji and Hijikata, but he had enough people tell him that Hijikata hadn't been himself. ]
It's because of my actions that a bad situation turned worse... I didn't know who you were then, but that doesn't excuse my what I did.
[ souji is at a loss. he doesn't know what to make of this, what to do with the apology he's been given. any other day and he might have just brushed it off, said it was completely unnecessary. besides, he can't exactly say if ivan's actions made it worse, if things would have ended differently if he hadn't been there.
he diverts his eyes away, not like it matters. ]
You did get in the way, although I wonder if it would have changed anything.
[ then again, remembering just how angry kondou-san had been, after ivan crumpled to the floor, maybe that had been the final nail to everything else. ]
Well. It's a little too late to think about things like this, right?
[ maybe you're just apologizing to the wrong person. ]
[ perhaps this is the nicest way he can put it, because this is souji, after all. but as always it's a question and not quite a direct statement. ivan can take it however he wants. ]
It's no wonder Kondou-san cared that much.
[ merely an observation thanks to the way the man reacted that night. he doesn't know the extent of ivan's relationship with him just yet, but. he doesn't think his assumptions are wrong. ]
[ suddenly, he's really glad ivan can't see the shift in his demeanor, the way his eyes grow cold and maybe a bit discouraged, but just a little bit, you know? years of mastering the art of indifference definitely has its uses, and he needs it more than ever right now, as he tries to process what has just been said.
so that's what kondou-san meant, back there in that basement, when he said everyone he loved had been taken away from him. souji just failed to realize the level of importance. to think he's the one responsible for killing kondou-san's son...
there's no way he can ever face him now. ]
That's just the kind of person Kondou-san is, isn't it? [ a twitch of his lips for an attempted smile, and it grows a little bit more once words start to come out. ] He's kind, and noble. He's smart too. He knows how to read these difficult books... [ souji's voice is so light that it's hard to imagine he feels anything but his own brand of fondness. talking about kondou-san in this manner has always brought out this side of him, but this time—this time, something seems off. ] He would be a very good father.
[ Unaware of Souji's inner processes, Ivan thinks that their discussion has switched to fanboy about Kondou time. He eases into sitting more comfortably, not as stiff and full of nerves as he had been. ]
He really is. He seems like the kind of guy who'd adopt a lot of people.
[ Part of him wonders if the entire Shinsengumi were adopted by him, but if Souji's feeling jealous... maybe not...? ]
I think he'd spend time with anyone who'd ask. Even after what happened.
[ while ivan grows more relaxed, souji feels his chest tighten, tension filtering through every joint and bone but he ignores it. he wonders if he can leave soon. ]
If you ask him about Shieikan, then you'll know it's a tendency he's had for a long time now.
[ thinking back on it, didn't kondou-san adopt him back then too? but now, even souji knows things can't ever be that easy. he blurts out words before he has a chance to stop and think, but it's quiet enough. easy enough to be missed. ]
[ Shieikan? Ivan makes a mental note to ask what that is, and he's about to ask Souji when he's distracted by the small utterance. It sounds like something Ivan would to. That warm smile on Ivan's face falls. ]
Why? If this was a misunderstanding and COMPASS' influence, he doesn't seem like he would.
[ Though, Ivan can also understand why he'd think that too. He doesn't know if he could face others in risk of discovering they would want nothing to do with him anymore, too afraid to apologize and feeling like he can't possibly ask that of them either. Such a time has happened to Ivan before. ]
[ ivan isn't the first to tell souji the exact same thing. if it wasn't for compass, none of this would have gone down the way it did, and he can see that, he knows that, but kondou-san still saw what he's been hiding all this time. kondou-san doesn't need any outside influences to realize just that, and souji is too afraid to face him and clear things up.
he doesn't even think he deserves that much. ]
Kondou-san has been occupied with other things. [ other people, more like. it's not a lie. just... a tiny assumption, and a way for souji to avoid the subject. ] But did you need to tell me anything else?
[ This conversation is over when Ivan hears Souji ask him if there's anything he wants to add. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't, but Ivan feels that he's overstayed his welcome... despite being in his classroom to begin with.
He has already made Souji's life harder than it needs to be. Ivan doesn't wish to add more to it. ]
I... um, no. Thank you so much for coming, and I'm sorry for disturbing you with my apology.
Then I'll be going. You can make it up to me later if you still feel so bad over it.
[ it's really no wonder why kondou-san took a liking to this kid, but souji doesn't want to think about that much longer. he takes one last look at ivan and slips away.]
[ Ivan stays where he is, as he is, until he can't hear Souji's footsteps anymore. And when he only hears the awful Void, he'll make his way back to the mattress to hope that Barnaby returns soon. Maybe Ivan could curl up next to him for while and take a nap, so he doesn't have to think about anything for a while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Note to self: Now Day 7 instead of 6
I... I guess I have another thing to apologize, Mr. Okita.
[ He's not sure if he should invite him into the classroom or make this quick. In the end, making things quick for the other man wins out because Ivan can't imagine he wants much to do with the ninja. Ivan shifts and kneels with his head touching the floor, ]
I am really sorry about my actions last week, and I... I hold no ill will towards you.
thank you ;u;
... You—
[ not to mention one tiny little detail. ]
You're apologizing like this to the one who killed you. Aren't you going too far?
<3 Whenever towards the end of the week is perfectly fine
It's because of my actions that a bad situation turned worse... I didn't know who you were then, but that doesn't excuse my what I did.
I really am sorry.
no subject
he diverts his eyes away, not like it matters. ]
You did get in the way, although I wonder if it would have changed anything.
[ then again, remembering just how angry kondou-san had been, after ivan crumpled to the floor, maybe that had been the final nail to everything else. ]
Well. It's a little too late to think about things like this, right?
[ maybe you're just apologizing to the wrong person. ]
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[ I wish I could change what happened. I wish we could have met under better circumstances. ]
I still think you should know. Even if you never forgive me.
[ Ivan won't even hold that against him. They have enough enemies in this place without adding more to the list. ]
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[ perhaps this is the nicest way he can put it, because this is souji, after all. but as always it's a question and not quite a direct statement. ivan can take it however he wants. ]
It's no wonder Kondou-san cared that much.
[ merely an observation thanks to the way the man reacted that night. he doesn't know the extent of ivan's relationship with him just yet, but. he doesn't think his assumptions are wrong. ]
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[ Of course, Ivan thinks that it's apology not accepted, and he doesn't blame Souji for that either. Ivan has ]
He's... become my dad here. I'm not sure how it happened still, but it did.
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so that's what kondou-san meant, back there in that basement, when he said everyone he loved had been taken away from him. souji just failed to realize the level of importance. to think he's the one responsible for killing kondou-san's son...
there's no way he can ever face him now. ]
That's just the kind of person Kondou-san is, isn't it? [ a twitch of his lips for an attempted smile, and it grows a little bit more once words start to come out. ] He's kind, and noble. He's smart too. He knows how to read these difficult books... [ souji's voice is so light that it's hard to imagine he feels anything but his own brand of fondness. talking about kondou-san in this manner has always brought out this side of him, but this time—this time, something seems off. ] He would be a very good father.
[ and then, there's this. ]
I'm almost jealous.
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He really is. He seems like the kind of guy who'd adopt a lot of people.
[ Part of him wonders if the entire Shinsengumi were adopted by him, but if Souji's feeling jealous... maybe not...? ]
I think he'd spend time with anyone who'd ask. Even after what happened.
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If you ask him about Shieikan, then you'll know it's a tendency he's had for a long time now.
[ thinking back on it, didn't kondou-san adopt him back then too? but now, even souji knows things can't ever be that easy. he blurts out words before he has a chance to stop and think, but it's quiet enough. easy enough to be missed. ]
... I don't think he will. Not with me, at least.
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Why? If this was a misunderstanding and COMPASS' influence, he doesn't seem like he would.
[ Though, Ivan can also understand why he'd think that too. He doesn't know if he could face others in risk of discovering they would want nothing to do with him anymore, too afraid to apologize and feeling like he can't possibly ask that of them either. Such a time has happened to Ivan before. ]
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he doesn't even think he deserves that much. ]
Kondou-san has been occupied with other things. [ other people, more like. it's not a lie. just... a tiny assumption, and a way for souji to avoid the subject. ] But did you need to tell me anything else?
[ he wants to go back to sleep now. ]
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He has already made Souji's life harder than it needs to be. Ivan doesn't wish to add more to it. ]
I... um, no. Thank you so much for coming, and I'm sorry for disturbing you with my apology.
[ Ivan bows low again. ]
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[ it's really no wonder why kondou-san took a liking to this kid, but souji doesn't want to think about that much longer. he takes one last look at ivan and slips away.]
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This could have gone better... ]