[ each step he takes feels heavy, like the ground is suddenly made out of slush and he's forgotten what it's like to keep his balance. it's not only because he's feeling under the weather again, but because of this sense of dread that overshadows him once he decides to head for the designated classroom. this isn't going to end well, he thinks, none of kondou's attempts to talk with him ever really does.
souji already knows why the other man has called for him, knows that yuuki must have said something because how could she not? what she saw back there, in the maze that reflected something (someone) he's always hidden, is the closest anyone has ever gotten to figuring him out, and he doesn't want to let it happen again, but it seems even that is easier said than done nowadays.
a part of him wonders if kondou-san will piece it together, if he'll finally realize that the souji he's always known isn't exactly—
he hopes it doesn't come to that.
before he knows it, the classroom is only a few steps away so he stops in front of the entrance, debating with himself on what to do next. here goes nothing, then. ]
... Kondou-san?
[ the door is open, but manners, and maybe just a tiny bit of reluctance, holds him back from entering freely. he'll wait until it's okay to do so. ]
[ Deep down, Kondou is well aware that this discussion isn’t likely to go well. By speaking with Souji on these matters, he knows that he’s going to drag up a lot of things that the other man won’t wish to talk about. He supposes that he’s not giving him very much of a choice in that. But the time in which the two of them could continue to ignore the issues at hand had long passed; Kondou has done too much of that during their relationship, during his life. He can’t keep pretending that it’s a viable option anymore.
At first he doesn’t know what to say when he hears Souji speak, but then realises all too quickly that he can’t let his resolve falter, even now. He rises and moves towards the door, wanting to meet him head on instead of shying away. It isn’t easy, but it has to be done. ]
Souji – please, come in.
[ Despite how worried he is about this meeting, the usual warmth that’s present in his tone whenever he speaks with Souji is still present. It’s difficult to be any other way with him, after all. ]
[ the warmth that greets him almost makes him flinch. kondou-san has always been so kind, so great, and souji hasn't done anything to deserve that affection, and knowing so makes him feel just a bit worse. but he puts on a smile like he's done since he decided how things should be, hoping it seems genuine enough and not nervous like he really feels. ]
What did you want to talk to me about, Kondou-san?
[ straight to the point because there's no use in sidestepping their way around with. not when they already both know what they're here for.
(although souji still wishes this wasn't happening right now. so much for that, right?) ]
[ There really is no easy way to do this. Kondou wishes that there was another way, that he didn't have to bring this up at all, because it only served to highlight all of his fears. Everything that he'd never wanted to have happen was slowly coming true, and it filled him with a sense of dread that he'd never be able to get rid of.
The smile quickly slips from his face, to be replaced by a concerned expression. There's no way around it, he knows, it would be best to get this over with and be done with it-- ]
You're a rasetsu, aren't you?
[ The words end up tumbling from his lips, and Kondou can't help but wince once he hears himself say them. After all, that makes it... final. Real. Doesn't it? ]
[ for a split-second, his expression falters and shifts into something akin to panic. this is one of the worst case scenarios, and he isn't prepared at all, not quite ready to face the man he admires so much with the subject of throwing away his humanity on the table.
but the bewilderment doesn't last long.
he slips back his usual demeanor and asks as casually as he could make it sound. ]
Who told you something like that?
[ it's neither a confirmation nor a denial. he doesn't really see the point in lying about it, but maybe if he can delay the fallout a bit, then that gives him time to consider what to say. ]
I... have known for some time that it may have been a possibility, but up until now it wasn't confirmed.
[ Kondou would prefer not to drop other people into this and get them in trouble, which was why he hesitated to give too many more details than that, at least in regards to that subject. And besides, whether or not he'd known earlier, it wouldn't have made a large difference. After all, it had yet to come up in any capacity here.
But it did change things, even if Kondou wasn't ready to admit just what those things were. His voice was quiet, with only the slightest shake in it to betray his feelings on the subject. ]
I'm not upset, it... simply came as a shock to me.
[ it's not like he'd been intending to hide it from kondou-san forever, but he never quite caught up to them after it happened, and when he finally did... until the very end, souji had played the part well, didn't he? kondou-san was none the wiser, but that's what made losing him all the more worse, made it hurt more than anything else.
it's probably why he doesn't go to such lengths in denying this. ]
If Kondou-san is worried, I don't regret making that decision. In fact, if given another chance...
[ he didn't have much of a choice the first time around. his illness had rendered him useless, and though it was clear kaoru baited him into taking it, if he wound up in the same situation again, then—
there's no mistaking what he would do. ]
Are you disappointed?
[ kondou-san may have said he's not upset, but, well, even souji see there's much more to it than that. ]
[ Not in Souji, at least. In himself? Yes. He always would be. For not standing up against the shogunate, too many of the Shinsengumi's members had been forced in one way or another to take the ochimizu. If he could go back and fix that mistake, Kondou would do so in a heartbeat.
And yet that would never be an option. He would be forced to live with the result of that decision for the rest of his life. ]
[ souji takes one look at the other man's expression, and tries to read it, see if he could make out the signs if he's lying or not. it always scares him to think that he's failed kondou-san in any way, and if becoming a rasetsu is one of them, then—no, he can't start regretting it now. he knows where he would be had he not taken the ochimizu.
he'd be alone, plain and simple. left behind because he couldn't even fight. ]
Of course. [ and there isn't even a hint of hesitation when he speaks. ] I wouldn't even think twice about it.
[ maybe if he hadn't gotten sick, if he'd been well enough to keep up with everyone before they left him behind, then maybe, he wouldn't have bothered with it.
but life doesn't quite work that way. ]
Besides, it made me feel better. Isn't that a good thing?
[ Besides, it made me feel better. Isn't that a good thing?
Kondou's heart clenches painfully when he hears those words, because what kind of a person would he be if he said that it wasn't? Not that he ever would. Because giving Souji his good health back is all that Kondou could ever want for him, and yet for it to come with such a price isn't something that he can come to terms with.
The expression on his face in that moment swiftly turns to guilt, and he can't quite find the right words, fumbling over what feels as though it will suffice. Will anything? Probably not. ]
[ kondou-san's words twist his face into a look of confusion, eyes widening for a fraction of a second thanks to surprise before it etches itself as furrowed brows and a small frown. it seems like no matter what he says, it's always the wrong thing, kondou-san would blame it on himself rather than acknowledging it was souji's choice to make.
he wonders how hijikata does, how the other man can sync up with kondou-san so effortlessly—but he knows even if he figures it out, he'll never be any good at that. ]
In pain? [ is this really the only way? ] I'm not sure what you mean, Kondou-san.
[ to keep insisting that he's fine rather than confront the truth in kondou-san's presence, because souji knows that doing so will just upset him even more. ]
Because you were ill, and couldn't come with us. I wished for nothing more than your health and that you were able to be by my side again, Souji.
[ But he had never been able to accomplish that in his lifetime, and Kondou felt a heavy weight settle upon his heart when he thought of that fact. How severe it was, he didn't know for sure but he could guess. Trying to tell Kondou that everything was alright simply wasn't going to work anymore.
Not when it had come to this. Not when it seemed as though other people were starting to learn all of their secrets, to push their way in. If it didn't come from Souji himself, it would come from someone else; that was something he was swiftly learning the hard way. ]
I apologise for letting you down. I wish that there was more I could do for you.
[ this again? didn't they already talk about this before?
the more kondou-san talks, the less souji understands until it doesn't make any sense to him at all. but it doesn't surprise him all the same, since it's been this way for as long as he could recall now. no matter how hard he tried to prevent it, a distance between the two of them continues to grow, and only time will tell just how far the other man will be by the end of this. ]
But you've already done so much. Anything more than that would be wasted on someone like me.
[ are they even going to get anywhere past the circular path this conversation is headed to? ]
There's nothing to apologize for, so...
[ so what? he needs to figure out what to say here but it looks like it'll take him a while. ]
Of course you're worth it, Souji! Don't speak of yourself in such a way!
[ The volume with which Kondou speaks in that moment surprises even him, but occasionally even he can meet the end of his patience. He too can snap, and when he does everything comes out in a rush. Later on he'll likely regret it greatly, but currently he can't seem to stop himself. Especially when Souji speaks that way. ]
Why would I not want to do things for you? You're one of the most important people in my life! There's nothing that is too much!
[ it surprises souji too, more so because he hadn't expected that kind of reaction from kondou-san. you're worth it, he says, and souji has to fight back the biggest urge to laugh. he's never been worth kondou-san's kindness despite how much he yearns for it; a monster without a pure heart like him is so undeserving.
and so— ]
... If Kondou-san says so.
[ —is what comes out of this. perhaps if he says what kondou-san wants to hear, then maybe this conversation will get better? one can only hope. ]
[ That isn't really what Kondou wants to hear, and suddenly it seems as though all of the fight has gone out of him, his shoulders drooping in defeat. Where had he managed to go wrong? He doesn't understand it. Souji clearly doesn't believe what he's telling him, and it tugs sharply at his heartstrings.
But there's nothing else that he can do. ]
... thank you.
[ For what? For not believing him? It just sounds like the "right" thing to be saying at the moment. ]
souji's face almost crumbles when he hears those words with the finality that came with it. it's nothing like before, when kondou-san would praise him and thank him for his hard work; this time doesn't even have the same shred of warmth, of sincerity, and did kondou-san really think he's fooling anyone? it's pretty difficult to miss the signs: the way his shoulders sag, how his determination falls through the cracks.
souji can see it right away, he's been watching kondou-san for so long, after all, so he can tell that right here and now, the man he admires so much has given up.
( the first time he'd heard the news of kondou-san's surrender, it felt like everything around him froze over, time slowed down and all he could see was his entire world falling apart. it scared him, and it still scares him right now because he knows if he ever went back, there would be nothing to return to.
so even here, does he really have to end up with same scenario? ) ]
Of course. [ when he smiles this time around, it looks much like the last, and yet someone who could read him easily, though, will be able to see just how strained it is. ] I'll definitely... repay Kondou-san's kindness, somehow.
[ he doesn't really know why he said that.
then again, he's pretty sure it's because he's run out of things to say. ]
You've never had to repay me for anything, Souji. You already make me proud.
[ So much so that every time he tells someone about Souji his heart swells with pride, he can't stop talking about his achievements and how proud he is. That hadn't changed, not until he'd arrived here, and suddenly--
Kondou doesn't know what to do anymore, he realises suddenly, and it's that thought which terrifies him. ]
souji begins to see why kondou-san has had enough, and he can't really blame him. if nothing ever gets through to him, then why bother, right? it's just a waste of effort at that point. ]
Then, I'll be sure to never disappoint.
[ even though he already has? this isn't getting any better. ]
[ That earns him a small smile, no matter how brief. ]
You won't. I have faith in that.
[ They've done this song and dance many a time before. Kondou knows that. But his hope is that perhaps, one day when he says that to him, Souji will actually believe what he has to say. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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souji already knows why the other man has called for him, knows that yuuki must have said something because how could she not? what she saw back there, in the maze that reflected something (someone) he's always hidden, is the closest anyone has ever gotten to figuring him out, and he doesn't want to let it happen again, but it seems even that is easier said than done nowadays.
a part of him wonders if kondou-san will piece it together, if he'll finally realize that the souji he's always known isn't exactly—
he hopes it doesn't come to that.
before he knows it, the classroom is only a few steps away so he stops in front of the entrance, debating with himself on what to do next. here goes nothing, then. ]
... Kondou-san?
[ the door is open, but manners, and maybe just a tiny bit of reluctance, holds him back from entering freely. he'll wait until it's okay to do so. ]
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At first he doesn’t know what to say when he hears Souji speak, but then realises all too quickly that he can’t let his resolve falter, even now. He rises and moves towards the door, wanting to meet him head on instead of shying away. It isn’t easy, but it has to be done. ]
Souji – please, come in.
[ Despite how worried he is about this meeting, the usual warmth that’s present in his tone whenever he speaks with Souji is still present. It’s difficult to be any other way with him, after all. ]
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What did you want to talk to me about, Kondou-san?
[ straight to the point because there's no use in sidestepping their way around with. not when they already both know what they're here for.
(although souji still wishes this wasn't happening right now. so much for that, right?) ]
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The smile quickly slips from his face, to be replaced by a concerned expression. There's no way around it, he knows, it would be best to get this over with and be done with it-- ]
You're a rasetsu, aren't you?
[ The words end up tumbling from his lips, and Kondou can't help but wince once he hears himself say them. After all, that makes it... final. Real. Doesn't it? ]
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but the bewilderment doesn't last long.
he slips back his usual demeanor and asks as casually as he could make it sound. ]
Who told you something like that?
[ it's neither a confirmation nor a denial. he doesn't really see the point in lying about it, but maybe if he can delay the fallout a bit, then that gives him time to consider what to say. ]
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[ Kondou would prefer not to drop other people into this and get them in trouble, which was why he hesitated to give too many more details than that, at least in regards to that subject. And besides, whether or not he'd known earlier, it wouldn't have made a large difference. After all, it had yet to come up in any capacity here.
But it did change things, even if Kondou wasn't ready to admit just what those things were. His voice was quiet, with only the slightest shake in it to betray his feelings on the subject. ]
I'm not upset, it... simply came as a shock to me.
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it's probably why he doesn't go to such lengths in denying this. ]
If Kondou-san is worried, I don't regret making that decision. In fact, if given another chance...
[ he didn't have much of a choice the first time around. his illness had rendered him useless, and though it was clear kaoru baited him into taking it, if he wound up in the same situation again, then—
there's no mistaking what he would do. ]
Are you disappointed?
[ kondou-san may have said he's not upset, but, well, even souji see there's much more to it than that. ]
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[ Not in Souji, at least. In himself? Yes. He always would be. For not standing up against the shogunate, too many of the Shinsengumi's members had been forced in one way or another to take the ochimizu. If he could go back and fix that mistake, Kondou would do so in a heartbeat.
And yet that would never be an option. He would be forced to live with the result of that decision for the rest of his life. ]
But would you truly... do so again?
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he'd be alone, plain and simple. left behind because he couldn't even fight. ]
Of course. [ and there isn't even a hint of hesitation when he speaks. ] I wouldn't even think twice about it.
[ maybe if he hadn't gotten sick, if he'd been well enough to keep up with everyone before they left him behind, then maybe, he wouldn't have bothered with it.
but life doesn't quite work that way. ]
Besides, it made me feel better. Isn't that a good thing?
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Kondou's heart clenches painfully when he hears those words, because what kind of a person would he be if he said that it wasn't? Not that he ever would. Because giving Souji his good health back is all that Kondou could ever want for him, and yet for it to come with such a price isn't something that he can come to terms with.
The expression on his face in that moment swiftly turns to guilt, and he can't quite find the right words, fumbling over what feels as though it will suffice. Will anything? Probably not. ]
I don't want you to be in pain anymore.
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he wonders how hijikata does, how the other man can sync up with kondou-san so effortlessly—but he knows even if he figures it out, he'll never be any good at that. ]
In pain? [ is this really the only way? ] I'm not sure what you mean, Kondou-san.
[ to keep insisting that he's fine rather than confront the truth in kondou-san's presence, because souji knows that doing so will just upset him even more. ]
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[ But he had never been able to accomplish that in his lifetime, and Kondou felt a heavy weight settle upon his heart when he thought of that fact. How severe it was, he didn't know for sure but he could guess. Trying to tell Kondou that everything was alright simply wasn't going to work anymore.
Not when it had come to this. Not when it seemed as though other people were starting to learn all of their secrets, to push their way in. If it didn't come from Souji himself, it would come from someone else; that was something he was swiftly learning the hard way. ]
I apologise for letting you down. I wish that there was more I could do for you.
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the more kondou-san talks, the less souji understands until it doesn't make any sense to him at all. but it doesn't surprise him all the same, since it's been this way for as long as he could recall now. no matter how hard he tried to prevent it, a distance between the two of them continues to grow, and only time will tell just how far the other man will be by the end of this. ]
But you've already done so much. Anything more than that would be wasted on someone like me.
[ are they even going to get anywhere past the circular path this conversation is headed to? ]
There's nothing to apologize for, so...
[ so what? he needs to figure out what to say here but it looks like it'll take him a while. ]
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[ The volume with which Kondou speaks in that moment surprises even him, but occasionally even he can meet the end of his patience. He too can snap, and when he does everything comes out in a rush. Later on he'll likely regret it greatly, but currently he can't seem to stop himself. Especially when Souji speaks that way. ]
Why would I not want to do things for you? You're one of the most important people in my life! There's nothing that is too much!
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and so— ]
... If Kondou-san says so.
[ —is what comes out of this. perhaps if he says what kondou-san wants to hear, then maybe this conversation will get better? one can only hope. ]
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But there's nothing else that he can do. ]
... thank you.
[ For what? For not believing him? It just sounds like the "right" thing to be saying at the moment. ]
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souji's face almost crumbles when he hears those words with the finality that came with it. it's nothing like before, when kondou-san would praise him and thank him for his hard work; this time doesn't even have the same shred of warmth, of sincerity, and did kondou-san really think he's fooling anyone? it's pretty difficult to miss the signs: the way his shoulders sag, how his determination falls through the cracks.
souji can see it right away, he's been watching kondou-san for so long, after all, so he can tell that right here and now, the man he admires so much has given up.
( the first time he'd heard the news of kondou-san's surrender, it felt like everything around him froze over, time slowed down and all he could see was his entire world falling apart. it scared him, and it still scares him right now because he knows if he ever went back, there would be nothing to return to.
so even here, does he really have to end up with same scenario? ) ]
Of course. [ when he smiles this time around, it looks much like the last, and yet someone who could read him easily, though, will be able to see just how strained it is. ] I'll definitely... repay Kondou-san's kindness, somehow.
[ he doesn't really know why he said that.
then again, he's pretty sure it's because he's run out of things to say. ]
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[ So much so that every time he tells someone about Souji his heart swells with pride, he can't stop talking about his achievements and how proud he is. That hadn't changed, not until he'd arrived here, and suddenly--
Kondou doesn't know what to do anymore, he realises suddenly, and it's that thought which terrifies him. ]
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souji begins to see why kondou-san has had enough, and he can't really blame him. if nothing ever gets through to him, then why bother, right? it's just a waste of effort at that point. ]
Then, I'll be sure to never disappoint.
[ even though he already has? this isn't getting any better. ]
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You won't. I have faith in that.
[ They've done this song and dance many a time before. Kondou knows that. But his hope is that perhaps, one day when he says that to him, Souji will actually believe what he has to say. ]