[ Besides, it made me feel better. Isn't that a good thing?
Kondou's heart clenches painfully when he hears those words, because what kind of a person would he be if he said that it wasn't? Not that he ever would. Because giving Souji his good health back is all that Kondou could ever want for him, and yet for it to come with such a price isn't something that he can come to terms with.
The expression on his face in that moment swiftly turns to guilt, and he can't quite find the right words, fumbling over what feels as though it will suffice. Will anything? Probably not. ]
[ kondou-san's words twist his face into a look of confusion, eyes widening for a fraction of a second thanks to surprise before it etches itself as furrowed brows and a small frown. it seems like no matter what he says, it's always the wrong thing, kondou-san would blame it on himself rather than acknowledging it was souji's choice to make.
he wonders how hijikata does, how the other man can sync up with kondou-san so effortlessly—but he knows even if he figures it out, he'll never be any good at that. ]
In pain? [ is this really the only way? ] I'm not sure what you mean, Kondou-san.
[ to keep insisting that he's fine rather than confront the truth in kondou-san's presence, because souji knows that doing so will just upset him even more. ]
Because you were ill, and couldn't come with us. I wished for nothing more than your health and that you were able to be by my side again, Souji.
[ But he had never been able to accomplish that in his lifetime, and Kondou felt a heavy weight settle upon his heart when he thought of that fact. How severe it was, he didn't know for sure but he could guess. Trying to tell Kondou that everything was alright simply wasn't going to work anymore.
Not when it had come to this. Not when it seemed as though other people were starting to learn all of their secrets, to push their way in. If it didn't come from Souji himself, it would come from someone else; that was something he was swiftly learning the hard way. ]
I apologise for letting you down. I wish that there was more I could do for you.
[ this again? didn't they already talk about this before?
the more kondou-san talks, the less souji understands until it doesn't make any sense to him at all. but it doesn't surprise him all the same, since it's been this way for as long as he could recall now. no matter how hard he tried to prevent it, a distance between the two of them continues to grow, and only time will tell just how far the other man will be by the end of this. ]
But you've already done so much. Anything more than that would be wasted on someone like me.
[ are they even going to get anywhere past the circular path this conversation is headed to? ]
There's nothing to apologize for, so...
[ so what? he needs to figure out what to say here but it looks like it'll take him a while. ]
Of course you're worth it, Souji! Don't speak of yourself in such a way!
[ The volume with which Kondou speaks in that moment surprises even him, but occasionally even he can meet the end of his patience. He too can snap, and when he does everything comes out in a rush. Later on he'll likely regret it greatly, but currently he can't seem to stop himself. Especially when Souji speaks that way. ]
Why would I not want to do things for you? You're one of the most important people in my life! There's nothing that is too much!
[ it surprises souji too, more so because he hadn't expected that kind of reaction from kondou-san. you're worth it, he says, and souji has to fight back the biggest urge to laugh. he's never been worth kondou-san's kindness despite how much he yearns for it; a monster without a pure heart like him is so undeserving.
and so— ]
... If Kondou-san says so.
[ —is what comes out of this. perhaps if he says what kondou-san wants to hear, then maybe this conversation will get better? one can only hope. ]
[ That isn't really what Kondou wants to hear, and suddenly it seems as though all of the fight has gone out of him, his shoulders drooping in defeat. Where had he managed to go wrong? He doesn't understand it. Souji clearly doesn't believe what he's telling him, and it tugs sharply at his heartstrings.
But there's nothing else that he can do. ]
... thank you.
[ For what? For not believing him? It just sounds like the "right" thing to be saying at the moment. ]
souji's face almost crumbles when he hears those words with the finality that came with it. it's nothing like before, when kondou-san would praise him and thank him for his hard work; this time doesn't even have the same shred of warmth, of sincerity, and did kondou-san really think he's fooling anyone? it's pretty difficult to miss the signs: the way his shoulders sag, how his determination falls through the cracks.
souji can see it right away, he's been watching kondou-san for so long, after all, so he can tell that right here and now, the man he admires so much has given up.
( the first time he'd heard the news of kondou-san's surrender, it felt like everything around him froze over, time slowed down and all he could see was his entire world falling apart. it scared him, and it still scares him right now because he knows if he ever went back, there would be nothing to return to.
so even here, does he really have to end up with same scenario? ) ]
Of course. [ when he smiles this time around, it looks much like the last, and yet someone who could read him easily, though, will be able to see just how strained it is. ] I'll definitely... repay Kondou-san's kindness, somehow.
[ he doesn't really know why he said that.
then again, he's pretty sure it's because he's run out of things to say. ]
You've never had to repay me for anything, Souji. You already make me proud.
[ So much so that every time he tells someone about Souji his heart swells with pride, he can't stop talking about his achievements and how proud he is. That hadn't changed, not until he'd arrived here, and suddenly--
Kondou doesn't know what to do anymore, he realises suddenly, and it's that thought which terrifies him. ]
souji begins to see why kondou-san has had enough, and he can't really blame him. if nothing ever gets through to him, then why bother, right? it's just a waste of effort at that point. ]
Then, I'll be sure to never disappoint.
[ even though he already has? this isn't getting any better. ]
[ That earns him a small smile, no matter how brief. ]
You won't. I have faith in that.
[ They've done this song and dance many a time before. Kondou knows that. But his hope is that perhaps, one day when he says that to him, Souji will actually believe what he has to say. ]
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Kondou's heart clenches painfully when he hears those words, because what kind of a person would he be if he said that it wasn't? Not that he ever would. Because giving Souji his good health back is all that Kondou could ever want for him, and yet for it to come with such a price isn't something that he can come to terms with.
The expression on his face in that moment swiftly turns to guilt, and he can't quite find the right words, fumbling over what feels as though it will suffice. Will anything? Probably not. ]
I don't want you to be in pain anymore.
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he wonders how hijikata does, how the other man can sync up with kondou-san so effortlessly—but he knows even if he figures it out, he'll never be any good at that. ]
In pain? [ is this really the only way? ] I'm not sure what you mean, Kondou-san.
[ to keep insisting that he's fine rather than confront the truth in kondou-san's presence, because souji knows that doing so will just upset him even more. ]
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[ But he had never been able to accomplish that in his lifetime, and Kondou felt a heavy weight settle upon his heart when he thought of that fact. How severe it was, he didn't know for sure but he could guess. Trying to tell Kondou that everything was alright simply wasn't going to work anymore.
Not when it had come to this. Not when it seemed as though other people were starting to learn all of their secrets, to push their way in. If it didn't come from Souji himself, it would come from someone else; that was something he was swiftly learning the hard way. ]
I apologise for letting you down. I wish that there was more I could do for you.
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the more kondou-san talks, the less souji understands until it doesn't make any sense to him at all. but it doesn't surprise him all the same, since it's been this way for as long as he could recall now. no matter how hard he tried to prevent it, a distance between the two of them continues to grow, and only time will tell just how far the other man will be by the end of this. ]
But you've already done so much. Anything more than that would be wasted on someone like me.
[ are they even going to get anywhere past the circular path this conversation is headed to? ]
There's nothing to apologize for, so...
[ so what? he needs to figure out what to say here but it looks like it'll take him a while. ]
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[ The volume with which Kondou speaks in that moment surprises even him, but occasionally even he can meet the end of his patience. He too can snap, and when he does everything comes out in a rush. Later on he'll likely regret it greatly, but currently he can't seem to stop himself. Especially when Souji speaks that way. ]
Why would I not want to do things for you? You're one of the most important people in my life! There's nothing that is too much!
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and so— ]
... If Kondou-san says so.
[ —is what comes out of this. perhaps if he says what kondou-san wants to hear, then maybe this conversation will get better? one can only hope. ]
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But there's nothing else that he can do. ]
... thank you.
[ For what? For not believing him? It just sounds like the "right" thing to be saying at the moment. ]
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souji's face almost crumbles when he hears those words with the finality that came with it. it's nothing like before, when kondou-san would praise him and thank him for his hard work; this time doesn't even have the same shred of warmth, of sincerity, and did kondou-san really think he's fooling anyone? it's pretty difficult to miss the signs: the way his shoulders sag, how his determination falls through the cracks.
souji can see it right away, he's been watching kondou-san for so long, after all, so he can tell that right here and now, the man he admires so much has given up.
( the first time he'd heard the news of kondou-san's surrender, it felt like everything around him froze over, time slowed down and all he could see was his entire world falling apart. it scared him, and it still scares him right now because he knows if he ever went back, there would be nothing to return to.
so even here, does he really have to end up with same scenario? ) ]
Of course. [ when he smiles this time around, it looks much like the last, and yet someone who could read him easily, though, will be able to see just how strained it is. ] I'll definitely... repay Kondou-san's kindness, somehow.
[ he doesn't really know why he said that.
then again, he's pretty sure it's because he's run out of things to say. ]
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[ So much so that every time he tells someone about Souji his heart swells with pride, he can't stop talking about his achievements and how proud he is. That hadn't changed, not until he'd arrived here, and suddenly--
Kondou doesn't know what to do anymore, he realises suddenly, and it's that thought which terrifies him. ]
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souji begins to see why kondou-san has had enough, and he can't really blame him. if nothing ever gets through to him, then why bother, right? it's just a waste of effort at that point. ]
Then, I'll be sure to never disappoint.
[ even though he already has? this isn't getting any better. ]
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You won't. I have faith in that.
[ They've done this song and dance many a time before. Kondou knows that. But his hope is that perhaps, one day when he says that to him, Souji will actually believe what he has to say. ]