[ To get to this point, Kondou has needed to take a long journey, more figurative than literal. Being alone because of his death penalty was one thing, but it was the process with which he'd had to process everything that had happened with Souji and the other members of the Shinsengumi which had been the most difficult.
No matter what, there would always be things that Kondou needed to apologise for. Both his actions back at home and, inevitably, the ones here. He was a man prone to making errors in judgement. While he thought that something was the right path at the time, often it turned around on him and became a complete disaster. Now... wasn't exactly one of those times. He didn't want to apologise, because an apology wouldn't fix this.
Instead, he'd taken the time to consider things from Souji's point of view. Why he'd chosen to take the path that he did, why he went there in the first place. He'd had to grapple with the idea that some of it may have been his fault, that he may have forced him to go that way. There was much they needed to discuss.
It was what brought Kondou out to the harbour that evening, ignoring the way that the rain soaked into his skin, as he finally saw a familiar figure not too far away. It had taken too long to get to this point - and no more. ]
[ on the flipside, souji hasn't made much progress. he's taken the long way around and spent who knows how long mulling and stewing his own thoughts that he's grown sick of them, wary. the rain isn't helping much today either, which is unfortunate, since back then it had at least helped clear out some of the bad things he'd been thinking about, the worst of the lot.
right now it just serves as a reminder of something completely miserable. he's looking off into the distance, watching the waves that crash against the pier. he feels really miserable right now, that's the only way to describe it. all he can think about is the time when his own sister left him behind, and now he's pretty sure (talking to ivan gave him the final nail to all of this) kondou-san has done the same too.
but that's fine, he'll get used to it all the same.
of course, he hadn't been expecting kondou-san to come to him after he's spent a good deal avoiding him. he turns around to face him, his clothes, his hair, practically plastered to every inch of him. he's been standing out here for a long time. ]
... Kondou-san. What are you doing out in this kind of weather?
[ Did you think that I wouldn't come? is his first thought, but that's foolish. Of course Souji would think that of him, and it makes Kondou's heart heavy to realise that thought. Regardless, he can't allow it to slow him down. He's here for a purpose, and no matter what happens between them, under what circumstances he turns and leaves this dock again...
One way or the other, he needs to know. He can't keep going on like this. ]
I wanted to see you.
[ Not "needed," even though that too is true, strictly speaking. But Kondou has let things between them get too bad for too long, and now he needs to try and find a way to fix this however he can. The first step is the hardest, isn't that what they say? Hopefully after that everything else will be fairly easy in comparison.
Sometimes, he's not sure if he's ever had to do anything quite as difficult as this in his life. ]
[ i wanted to see you, he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. souji feels like his entire world starts to shift based on that alone, and he can't get over how much it hurts just to hear him say that, how much it twists and turns deep inside him until he has to push it away.
he sounds so lost when he finally answers. ]
You wanted to see me...?
[ like he's in complete disbelief, like he doesn't understand why this is happening. it's like he even forgot about how kondou-san approached him earlier on, and how he'd turned him away even then.
after all, he's spent the past week convincing himself that he doesn't deserve this, that kondou-san wouldn't want to have anything to do with him ever again. no matter what anyone's said, what they told him (it's not your fault, you know, kondou-san wasn't in his right mind), the worst truth is what he'd chosen to live with. but as always, he's thought wrong. he'll never be able to figure out the man he loves the most, it seems like. ]
... I wonder why.
[ he may be confused or caught by surprise, but the good thing is, he isn't running away. ]
[ It’s because it’s the most obvious thing in the world that Kondou says it. Because while it may be so, sometimes things need to be said instead of taken for granted. He never wants Souji to think that he doesn’t care for him, but given the rough time they’ve had of it the past few weeks, there can be no such thing as being too careful. After all, how he responds now will affect their relationship for a long time to come. It may make or break whatever it is that they have left, and so he needs to be cautious.
But there’s also the fact that Kondou has always worn his heart on his sleeve, that he has no qualms about blurting out his thoughts on any subject. More often than not, that tends to get him into trouble. ]
Why would I not wish to see you?
[ The question is a genuine one, and there’s a lot of confusion in his tone. Part of him likely realises just why it is that Souji feels that way, but perhaps some small part of him is trying to avoid the issue. If it’s brought up, what will happen then? They could fix everything, or completely ruin them. Something tells him that there’s no in between in this case. ]
[ souji can think of many reasons why kondou-san wouldn't have wanted to see him—because he's a mess, he doesn't deserve it, he let him down in the worst way possible—and yet none of them ever make out of his mind. he remains as silent as he is, watches kondou-san as the distance between the two of them shrinks little by little.
he remains where he is, drenched from head to toe, and looking more lost than he's ever been. ]
I thought you wouldn't want to.
[ nevermind kondou-san had sought him out earlier before, and this is just mostly souji's own heart talking. he's convinced himself of the worst possible outcome before it's even started to fall into place, but now that the other man is here...
it might take a while, before things fix themselves. it just needs one more push. ]
If anything, I thought that you wouldn't wish to see me. I would understand if that was the case.
[ Considering everything that he had done, everything he'd said-- even if now Kondou realised that he had indeed genuinely meant some of that, that he couldn't look at Souji in quite the same way... It was a long overdue revelation. After all, it wasn't fair of him to keep pushing Souji to be something that he wasn't simply to put a smile on his own face.
That was selfish. Something which he'd accepted that he was the epitome of a long time ago, and he'd spent most of his time trying to fix it ever since. But was it too late to fix it with Souji, to make up for the years of mistakes and all of the pain that he had put him through? ]
It is my fault that this happened. I should not have pushed you to such lengths. I hope that you can forgive me, someday.
[ Because he doesn't expect this to be an immediate fix. ]
[ when kondou-san starts to talk, souji could only fall quiet and listen. drink in every word and pause, the meaning behind each of them.
he tries to read between the lines but there's nothing hidden, kondou-san had never been that kind of person anyway, always the type to wear his heart out on his sleeve with all the kindness and courage souji's always known him to possess. these are kondou-san's honest feelings right now, and he'd be a fool to reject them like he usually does.
it's not an easy habit to break, of course— ]
If it counts for anything... [ he does his best to stare right at him, there's little to no escape now. ] I've never blamed you.
[ not once. not even when souji suffered greatly for everything that came with trying to be the person kondou-san wanted him to become. ]
[ Truthfully, he's not entirely sure how to respond to it other than that, because he's a little stunned by hearing those words from him. This time around, he's fairly sure that he can put a lot of weight into those words, that Souji truly does mean what he's telling him, and that puts his mind at ease. Knowing that, does he truly need to hear anything else? ]
I still wish that I had not put you through so much.
[ souji had been expecting this to go the same way it usually does, with kondou-san refusing what he just said instead of accepting it as the truth, like he'd always believed it to be. for a moment there, he looks completely surprised, and then everything in him relaxes. it brings about a sigh of relief that he didn't know he was holding back.
there's even a small smile on his face by now. ]
It was my choice to put up with all of that, Kondou-san. [ a beat. ] I don't really regret doing so.
[ even if he'd gone about it the wrong way, he was still of some use to the man he loves most, right? that's all that really matters to him in the end. ]
If you don't regret it, I suppose I cannot protest on those grounds. Even so...
[ He can't help but frown. It's not exactly the the most heartening admission on either of their parts, mostly Kondou's. Still, there's more to it than that, and he has to admit as much if they're to continue going forward. ]
Perhaps it's simply difficult for me to accept that you've grown up. I still think of you as that young boy who would always cling to my haori!
[ what kondou-san just said earns him a small chuckle, and souji's expression softens even more. it's just like kondou-san to get all nostalgic at a time like this. ]
I've grown much stronger than that kid from the past. [ stronger, sure. better? he doesn't really know. ] But I can cling to your haori again, if you'd let me.
[ he doesn't mean it literally.
he'd just like to have the chance to stay by his side, for as long as he's allowed to. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w16, d3
No matter what, there would always be things that Kondou needed to apologise for. Both his actions back at home and, inevitably, the ones here. He was a man prone to making errors in judgement. While he thought that something was the right path at the time, often it turned around on him and became a complete disaster. Now... wasn't exactly one of those times. He didn't want to apologise, because an apology wouldn't fix this.
Instead, he'd taken the time to consider things from Souji's point of view. Why he'd chosen to take the path that he did, why he went there in the first place. He'd had to grapple with the idea that some of it may have been his fault, that he may have forced him to go that way. There was much they needed to discuss.
It was what brought Kondou out to the harbour that evening, ignoring the way that the rain soaked into his skin, as he finally saw a familiar figure not too far away. It had taken too long to get to this point - and no more. ]
Souji.
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right now it just serves as a reminder of something completely miserable. he's looking off into the distance, watching the waves that crash against the pier. he feels really miserable right now, that's the only way to describe it. all he can think about is the time when his own sister left him behind, and now he's pretty sure (talking to ivan gave him the final nail to all of this) kondou-san has done the same too.
but that's fine, he'll get used to it all the same.
of course, he hadn't been expecting kondou-san to come to him after he's spent a good deal avoiding him. he turns around to face him, his clothes, his hair, practically plastered to every inch of him. he's been standing out here for a long time. ]
... Kondou-san. What are you doing out in this kind of weather?
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One way or the other, he needs to know. He can't keep going on like this. ]
I wanted to see you.
[ Not "needed," even though that too is true, strictly speaking. But Kondou has let things between them get too bad for too long, and now he needs to try and find a way to fix this however he can. The first step is the hardest, isn't that what they say? Hopefully after that everything else will be fairly easy in comparison.
Sometimes, he's not sure if he's ever had to do anything quite as difficult as this in his life. ]
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he sounds so lost when he finally answers. ]
You wanted to see me...?
[ like he's in complete disbelief, like he doesn't understand why this is happening. it's like he even forgot about how kondou-san approached him earlier on, and how he'd turned him away even then.
after all, he's spent the past week convincing himself that he doesn't deserve this, that kondou-san wouldn't want to have anything to do with him ever again. no matter what anyone's said, what they told him (it's not your fault, you know, kondou-san wasn't in his right mind), the worst truth is what he'd chosen to live with. but as always, he's thought wrong. he'll never be able to figure out the man he loves the most, it seems like. ]
... I wonder why.
[ he may be confused or caught by surprise, but the good thing is, he isn't running away. ]
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But there’s also the fact that Kondou has always worn his heart on his sleeve, that he has no qualms about blurting out his thoughts on any subject. More often than not, that tends to get him into trouble. ]
Why would I not wish to see you?
[ The question is a genuine one, and there’s a lot of confusion in his tone. Part of him likely realises just why it is that Souji feels that way, but perhaps some small part of him is trying to avoid the issue. If it’s brought up, what will happen then? They could fix everything, or completely ruin them. Something tells him that there’s no in between in this case. ]
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he remains where he is, drenched from head to toe, and looking more lost than he's ever been. ]
I thought you wouldn't want to.
[ nevermind kondou-san had sought him out earlier before, and this is just mostly souji's own heart talking. he's convinced himself of the worst possible outcome before it's even started to fall into place, but now that the other man is here...
it might take a while, before things fix themselves. it just needs one more push. ]
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[ Considering everything that he had done, everything he'd said-- even if now Kondou realised that he had indeed genuinely meant some of that, that he couldn't look at Souji in quite the same way... It was a long overdue revelation. After all, it wasn't fair of him to keep pushing Souji to be something that he wasn't simply to put a smile on his own face.
That was selfish. Something which he'd accepted that he was the epitome of a long time ago, and he'd spent most of his time trying to fix it ever since. But was it too late to fix it with Souji, to make up for the years of mistakes and all of the pain that he had put him through? ]
It is my fault that this happened. I should not have pushed you to such lengths. I hope that you can forgive me, someday.
[ Because he doesn't expect this to be an immediate fix. ]
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he tries to read between the lines but there's nothing hidden, kondou-san had never been that kind of person anyway, always the type to wear his heart out on his sleeve with all the kindness and courage souji's always known him to possess. these are kondou-san's honest feelings right now, and he'd be a fool to reject them like he usually does.
it's not an easy habit to break, of course— ]
If it counts for anything... [ he does his best to stare right at him, there's little to no escape now. ] I've never blamed you.
[ not once. not even when souji suffered greatly for everything that came with trying to be the person kondou-san wanted him to become. ]
You have nothing to apologize for, Kondou-san.
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[ Truthfully, he's not entirely sure how to respond to it other than that, because he's a little stunned by hearing those words from him. This time around, he's fairly sure that he can put a lot of weight into those words, that Souji truly does mean what he's telling him, and that puts his mind at ease. Knowing that, does he truly need to hear anything else? ]
I still wish that I had not put you through so much.
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there's even a small smile on his face by now. ]
It was my choice to put up with all of that, Kondou-san. [ a beat. ] I don't really regret doing so.
[ even if he'd gone about it the wrong way, he was still of some use to the man he loves most, right? that's all that really matters to him in the end. ]
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[ He can't help but frown. It's not exactly the the most heartening admission on either of their parts, mostly Kondou's. Still, there's more to it than that, and he has to admit as much if they're to continue going forward. ]
Perhaps it's simply difficult for me to accept that you've grown up. I still think of you as that young boy who would always cling to my haori!
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I've grown much stronger than that kid from the past. [ stronger, sure. better? he doesn't really know. ] But I can cling to your haori again, if you'd let me.
[ he doesn't mean it literally.
he'd just like to have the chance to stay by his side, for as long as he's allowed to. ]
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[ After a moment his amusement fades, however, to be replaced by a small but warm smile. ]
Yes you have, Souji. And I am proud of you for that.